Life has changed a lot in the past couple of months. Life was hard for me last year, and it culminated in the death of my dearest lady, Ms. Brandi Costa. Of course I went through an extreme period of grieving, which included spending nearly 2 weeks at my friend Angela's house, and a couple of other dear friends. (Olivia and Coral, I love you too.) I managed to get through the private viewing with the family (which I felt honored to be allowed to), the memorial, the wake, etc. I got lots of sympathy from friends and acquaintances, even people who I didn't know who were friends of Brandi's.
With time though, I began to learn that my life was really changing. First of al
l, I'm much more aware now of our own mortality, and the fact that we never know when our time may come. Unaware of what really happens when we leave our bodies behind, I've decided to make every attempt in my own little way to make this a heaven on Earth, since we may never attain any sort of discernible Heaven after we lose the bodies we currently possess. In this Heaven here, I enjoy my family, my friends, sex and intimacy, good food, and alcohol as much as reasonably possible whilst sharing my joy and happiness with those whom I love so that the little Heaven on Earth is spread to others and returned back to me.I'm still the same Nathaniel, I'm just far more positive, confident, and joyous than I've ever been. I know that Brandi would be very proud of me.
Sometimes I slip backward into the deep black water of regret and pain. To never see Brandi again strikes grief deeply inside of me. But here I am, and it would be heresy to waste my life in misery. I need to take the lessons that Brandi taught me and use them to better my life and the lives of others who are deserving of my love. And even when I am sobbing for my loss, I still feel great joy in my heart that she blessed my life with her presence, that she touched so many lives in such a positive way. I feel compelled to carry on her torch and bring light and joy to the Earth like she did.I think that enough people in the world took the high road and carried on the light of goodness from wonderful people like Brandi, I'm sure it would be enough to counteract the selfishness that pervades, corrupts, and destroys our world today.
I think that the purpose of life varies from person to person, but I truly believe that those whose goals in life are to conquer and collect are never truly happy. They are those like Brandi and our dearly departed Agripina who give more than they take who are the happiest. Brandi was no saint; she was addicted to anything she loved, she intentionally offended people with the harshest possible means such as religion and racism, she stole and she fought... But her smile brought joy to all and even those who she despised somehow loved her. She had a way of making you feel that she accepted you for who you were no matter what your flaws were, despite the fact that she obviously judged you. She was a walking contradiction, and by her own admission she never tiptoed through the daisies. She altered so many lives in such a great way......I think that Brandi is one of the greatest people I have ever met in my entire life. Hers is a great loss to the entire world, and we will always feel a hole where she once was in our lives.
